How Not To Do
Apologetics
by: Jonna Sutherland
1. Target unsuspecting victim. {Umm, I mean, client. You know, the poor
bloke who may be willing to speak with you.}
2. Size-up client - Make list of various rascals and scoundrels that client
has:
a. dined with,
b. potentially whispered with,
c. obviously plotted with, or
d. never heard of.
Note: Call in resident witch-smeller for wafting scent-analysis, as a last
resort only.
3. Form preconceived notions as to client's character and belief system
based upon:
a. known associates,
b. associates of disgruntled former associates,
c. last known location, and
d. mother-in-law's opinion.
4. Determine pigeon-hole into which client may be summarily dropped.
5. Convince self that you are on a mission to enlighten the client, as
only you can:
a. assume the odds of client already knowing and having considered your
arguments to be negligible,
b. assume the odds of your success to increase in direct proportion to
your level of sarcasm and derision, and
c. assume that distortions and character assassinations are allowed, as
long as you get the job done.
5. Ask client a probing question. Pull back, cock head sympathetically
to one side, and wait for response.
6. Take response from client and:
a. add-to,
b. exaggerate,
c. twist, and/or
